angel in disguise

lately i have been feeling so down, alone and restless. there are so many things happening right now, but i couldn't seem to get hold of everything. for some reason, my hormones are shooting up and down, shifting from a happy girl to a depressed individual, who would rather inflict pain to herself by thinking not-so-happy thoughts. damn it, what's happening to me? i don't like being like this...

maybe because i have been doing a routine which changed in just a few weeks time. i want to keep on reminding myself that i should never, ever want to walk or go through the same route everyday. i try to change though, the routine i have been keeping up with since late last year. it's a painstaking thing to do, but i try. i do.

i want angel hugs, i get them before but right now it has become hard...maybe i shoud start hugging myself instead.

I am deeply in love.

It has been quite a while since I poured out my heart’s deepest feelings in a blog. I have been so busy mending my broken heart, up until last year I thought I’d travel in a paved road, but it remained rough. And now I want to declare, that the angel I found was truly the one I searched for. That angel was just lurking all the while, and now I have fallen so deeply in love…I found that kind of feeling that Carrie of SATC said in the last episode, that “I can’t live without you kind of relationship..”

I know I have always wanted to be with my angel. some years back, we just considered each other as friends, we had our own relationships then. As we struggled and fought for our love for our past “loves”, fate led us back to each other, and we discovered that, different as it may seem, we can-and we deserve to be in each other’s arms.

I waited for this, I guess I really did. Though there are pains (like any other relationships), I am here to weather the storm, with the angel who rescued me from the bondage of mediocrity and failed love.

I love you, my angel. My heart bleeds with overflowing love.

And i will forever be your ANGEL...

it's been a while since i spilled my thoughts onto a blog. this is a spot. i used to have a spot in my lungs..but got over it, cured it. and today when i woke up in the morning, i noticed a spot in my breast that has a big lump in it. fear washed over, but i regained my composure lying in a bed that wasn't my own. instead of enjoying that lovely morning upon waking up in the summer capital of this country, i felt afraid. so afraid...

i hope this is isn't something bad. pray for me, you friend reading this blog.

been out of touch with the net for awhile...i missed spilling my brain into the blog. a lot of things happened, giving me more thoughts to think about. haaayyy...life.

i just recently finished paolo coelho's VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE. it's a very interesting book, which triggered a lot of intriguing questions in my head. there was an anecdote there that referred to people outside mental hospitals as more insane than the ones confined inside the hospitals. really dunno how to explain it, but what really appealed to me is that, all people have their own way of being crazy...we are all insane in different ways. some could have that mild insanity, or the really incurable ones (so they say)...

i had my own dealing with institutions like that. when i was young my mom and my grandma used to bring my late aunt to a pyschiatrist to treat her of her "craziness." nervous breakdown, they say. she used to talk to herself, detailing how the marcos regime is ruining the lives of the filipino, how they salvage people...her mouth sputters political issues, and as children, we laughed and laughed because we thought she was crazy. when i grew up, i realized that the doctors could have made her state worse than it was. the medicines she took could have heightened what the society calls insanity. she was normal, but since her mind had more ways of seeing things, they branded her crazy.

i wondered, am i on my way to being totally insane? i talk to myself and ask those questions. like my aunt, i have my own opinions about politics, relationships and life in general. sometimes i find myself talking to myself, even if i am talking to someone..because in their minds, they're probably not listening and i didn't get my message across.

and if you..yes you - reading this blog - don't understand anything i've said, then you'd most likely say "this is crazy."

then i am. i am crazy. and so are you.

looking at my music collection, i realized there were songs or certain music that plays in the background of my everyday life--or the most important happenings in my life...

ALL BEHIND US NOW (Patti Austin)
-for all the ex-friends, ex-partners, ex-what-have-yous in my life. i hear them at the right moment. somehow i share this with my friend back in college, who even took the extra time to write down the lyrics so i can sing it while i mend my broken heart over a guy i happily broke up with.

"...i was holding out for far too long,,,but now i finally found where i belong..."

CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?
-still for the same people, but only those i want to have anything to do with...

"...we can't play this game anymore, but can we still be friends?.."

THROUGH THE FIRE (Chaka Khan)
-well, well, well..this one's really special. it defined the things that i wanted in my life for the past few months. it gave me the courage i needed to conquer my loneliness.

"...through the fire, through the limit, through the wall...for a chance to be with you, i'd rather risk it all.."

TATTOOED ON MY MIND (D'Sound)
-i can also call it tattooed on my nose, my ears, my skin. i have this sense memory thing that is easily roused by images, scents and touch that kinda makes me feel like i'm there again...

"...now i know that you're the dangerous kind,,,and your smile is tattooed on my mind..."

more to follow...

checked my watch this morning, and i realized how time is flying by so fast. next thing i know it would be valentine's day already. and then my birthday, and then my brother's birthday, and then...it's christmas again? phew...

sometimes i just wish time would just stop. at a standstill. i wish it would just freeze when i'm with my special someone, or when i'm savoring the dinner mint chocolate i got; or when i'm just lying idly daydreaming... but i know it's not gonna happen. i snap back to reality as quickly as i can.

now time flew so fast. it's time to get off work. yebah!